Ramen Loving Ninja
by Devil Wolf Girl
Summary: You know the routine by now guys. A collection of oneshots centered around Naruto! Ranging from coffee getting switched, to Tora loving Naruto, to what happens when waiting for Kakashi. Requests are welcomed if you have any!
1. Caffeine Mix-Up

**Caffeine Mix-Up**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Naruto**

 ***The one where the coffee gets mixed up***

Naruto went about his morning the same way he usually does. Force himself out of bed, get ready, get his coffee from his favorite café, and go to meet his team. He was the first one to arrive at their meeting place on the bridge, which was just fine because he needed some time to let the coffee wake him up and get him functioning. He didn't realize the reason he wasn't waking up was that the new girl at the coffee shop gave him the wrong coffee.

 **~Line~**

Shikamaru's mother dragged him out of bed and forced him to get ready, as was his morning routine. She sent him out the door in the direction of the coffee shop and chuckled as he slowly made his way there. Shikamaru grabbed his coffee from the new lady at the counter and made his way to meet his team. As Shikamaru sipped on his coffee he felt himself starting to buzz with energy. Sadly because of this he wasn't able to figure out the reason was because of the new girl giving him the wrong coffee.

 **~Line~**

Neji forced himself to his feet and got dressed slowly. It took him a few tries to get ready without forgetting something before going outside the Hyuuga compound and making his way to the coffee shop. He vaguely registered there was a new lady giving him his coffee before he felt himself start to completely vibrate with energy. He sprinted off in the direction of his team meeting place, not realizing his coffee had been mixed up.

 **~Line~**

Naruto barely registered his teammates arriving until Sakura screamed at him for arriving before her precious Sasuke-kun. He tried to ignore her and was doing a good job of it until she decided to try and punch him. Naruto wasn't in the mood to deal with people at the moment and growled at her as she approached.

"Naruto?" Sakura asked confused, backing up a little. Even Sasuke looked at the blonde in confusion. He was acting completely out of character. Naruto just growled again and went back to ignoring them. Sakura and Sasuke exchanged worried looks right as Kakashi showed up in a poof of smoke. Kakashi was worried when he didn't hear the usual shouts about him being late and looked at his genin. Naruto was sitting against a tree looking at the water while Sakura and Sasuke were just staring at him. Kakashi looked at Naruto closer and immediately noticed what was wrong.

"Naruto? Did you get your coffee this morning?" Kakashi asked quietly as he crouched a few feet away from him. Naruto growling was his answer. Kakashi sighed and reached into his jacket. He pulled out a bottle filled with pills and handed three of them to Naruto, who immediately swallowed them. The others waited a few minutes before Naruto stood up and stretched.

"Thanks Kakashi-sensei. I actually did go to the coffee shop today. Now that I think about it, there was a new girl working there today. I think she gave me the wrong coffee," Naruto said.

"What did you give him Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura asked watching Naruto in case he started to growl again.

"Caffeine pills. Main use for missions," Kakashi replied.

"Why does the dobe need caffeine pills?" Sasuke asked in genuine confusion. Naruto turned to him with a dead-panned face.

"If I am on a mission and I don't get any caffeine the first thing to irritate me will most like die or get tortured into insanity. This has been going on since I was three," Naruto explained with Kakashi nodding to say it was true. They didn't get the chance to say more as Shikamaru ran by before turning around and glomping Naruto happily. The other three members of team ten appeared a few seconds later. Obviously chasing him.

"Naru! I misses you!" Shikamaru yelled hugging Naruto harder.

"Shika! Can't breathe!" Naruto gasped out. Shikamaru moved his arms to where they were wrapped around Naruto's shoulders instead.

"But I misses you. I haven't seen you or Neji in forever!" Shikamaru exclaimed. Naruto sighed.

"What *pant* is going *pant* on?" Ino questioned trying to catch her breath. Naruto adopted an expression of horror after thinking for a few seconds.

"Shit! If I was given the wrong coffee then Shika definitely was. And if Shika and I both have the wrong coffee then Neji has a chance of having the wrong one too. Shit! World is going to end! I need ninja wire and rope. Maybe a few exploding tags. I will definitely need a squirrel. Then I need to get some herbs. Maybe a good idea to get those first. Wouldn't hurt to grab some decoys. Shit! This is going to take forever to grab everything. Wait! Clones. How could I forget that?! Damn it! Okay back on track. Need to set up the bunker immediately," Naruto ranted to himself.

"What are you talking about Naru? Can I join in?" Shikamaru asked cheerfully. Naruto jumped, as if he had forgotten Shikamaru was there.

"Yes you can join in. I just need you to stay completely still for a few minutes," Naruto said. Shikamaru nodded and stayed completely still. Or, as still as he could since he was practically bouncing in place.

"I need more ninja wire. Hand over what you have before he moves!" Naruto whisper shouted at the others. Ino, Choji, and Asuma eagerly handed theirs over, eager to get rid of the hyper Shikamaru, while Sakura, Sasuke, and Kakashi did so hesitantly.

"Why do you need so much?" Sakura asked in confusion. Naruto ignored her as he quickly wrapped all the wire around Shikamaru. He didn't stop what he was doing until Shikamaru was wrapped, head to toe, in as much wire as possible. He even made a leash and held his end in his hand when he turned to look at them.

"Simple. We need to keep him restrained until all the caffeine leaves his system. If not it will only get worse. Trust me. The caffeine had barely entered his system when he made it here," Naruto explained

"Impossible," Ino groaned falling to the ground in a heap. Choji and Asuma followed her example. The former still trying to regulate his breathing. Naruto didn't get a chance to reply as Hinata ran up to him terrified.

"Naruto! It happened again! Neji-nii-san is berserk!" Hinata exclaimed sobbing into Naruto's chest. Naruto wrapped the arm that wasn't holding Shikamaru's leash around her in comfort.

"I was afraid of that. I need you to hold onto to Shika. Don't let him escape. I will grab the stuff to handle Neji. Ino, can you report to the hokage and tell him code CM-3. He will understand," Naruto waited as Ino ran off before continuing. "Kakashi. Asuma. I need you to get me as many squirrels as you can in four minutes. Oh! Can you go and get a Nara Special from Oak Café, Choji? I have to grab the herbs and make the counter caffeine," Naruto rushed off not giving anyone a chance to do anything. The three males decided to just do as they were told and took off.

"Sakura! Help me!" Hinata exclaimed pulling on the leash of a struggling Shikamaru. Sakura ran over and helped the normally shy girl restrain Shikamaru. They didn't have to struggle long as the hokage, Ino, and an ANBU appeared. The ANBU slammed his hands on the ground and a wooden cage appeared around Shikamaru. There was no way Shikamaru could escape. Hinata and Sakura slumped to the ground in relief right as Naruto returned.

"Thanks Jiji. Now. Bowl. Need a bowl. Shit! No bowl! ANBU guy Loan me your mask!" Naruto grabbed the mask off of the ANBU and proceeded to grind all the herbs into a paste with a stick. Kakashi and Asuma chose that moment to appear with seven squirrels between them.

"Tenzo? What are you doing here?" Kakashi asked as the ANBU, now identified as Tenzo, made another cage for the squirrels.

"Here to assist in capturing Shikamaru Nara and Neji Hyuuga from the triple caffeine mix-up Kakashi-senpai," Tenzo replies. Naruto finished making his paste and approached Shikamaru's cage.

"ANBU-san. I need you to release him," Naruto said as he scooped some of the paste onto his finger and wordlessly handed the makeshift bowel to Hinata. She took it and backed up until she was far enough away from the cage. Tenzo put his hands on the ground and the cage slowly receded back into the ground. Shikamaru was immediately making his escape, but with all the ninja wire around him, he looked like a worm. Naruto jumped onto Shikamaru's back and used his arm without the paste to hold his head still and force Shikamaru's mouth open. Naruto shoved the paste into Shikamaru's mouth and didn't release him until he made sure the other swallowed it. The results were immediate. Shikamaru stopped struggling and looked around in a sleepy confusion.

"Naru?" Shikamaru asked sleepily as Naruto untied the ninja wire. Shikamaru moved his recently free hand to rub at his eyes and let out a yawn. Everyone around him, minus Naruto, all shared the same thought, ' _cute_ '.

"Hey Shika. Coffee is on the way so do me a favor and stay awake long enough to get it," Naruto said softly as he helped the other boy to his feet. Shikamaru yawned again and leaned against Naruto right as Choji arrived.

"Here Naruto," Choji said handing Naruto the coffee and looking at Shikamaru cautiously. Naruto thanked Choji and pressed the cup of coffee against his lips. Shikamaru slowly brought his hand up and started drinking the coffee. The more he drank the more awake he became. Naruto waited until Shikamaru had finished the cup before stepping back. Shikamaru looked around.

"Judging from the looks everyone is shooting me and the slightly irritated look you have I believe it is safe to assume we got the wrong coffee this morning. Correct?" Shikamaru questioned getting sighs of relief from everyone else.

"Yeah. I got yours and you got Neji's," Naruto explained.

"What do you mean Naruto is slightly irritated?" Sakura asked cautiously.

"My guess is he is running only on caffeine pills. They don't help him out of his morning mood. They only give him enough energy to function correctly," Shikamaru explained. Naruto gave him a half-hearted glare but didn't say anything.

"We need to focus on the matter at hand. Neji. It is very bad if he has my coffee," Naruto said getting immediate nods from Shikamaru, The Hokage, Hinata, Tenzo, and Kakashi. Everyone else looked at them in confusion.

"Why would that be bad?" Sakura asked innocently.

"His coffee has enough energy in it to run an army for a year on one sip," Shikamaru said.

"Stop exaggerating," Naruto replied rolling his eyes. "My coffee is probably the strongest coffee in the world though," Naruto explained.

"Naruto is probably the only human able to drink it without going into cardiac arrest," Sarutobi said chuckling.

"Menace to his enemies with extra is what he is," Kakashi grumbled.

"I almost don't want to know," Ino said.

"Do you know how bad Shikamaru was with Neji's coffee? Neji with Naruto's coffee is about a hundred times worse. Konoha can easily be destroyed by him the way he is now. Not to mention the effects it would have on Neji's body," Kakashi explained seriously. Everyone's face morphed into expressions of horror.

"What should we do?" Sakura asked quietly. Everyone turned to look at Naruto and Shikamaru.

"A combination of Plan S, Plan N, and Plan P. That is our best bet to capture him long enough to get him to eat the paste," Shikamaru said. Those who knew about those plans nodded.

"Can you explain for us?" Sasuke asked. Naruto shook his head.

"Sorry but we can't chance him overhearing us," Naruto answered. Everyone looked around them cautiously.

"You kids head home for now. The rest of us can handle this," the Hokage said. Reluctantly Sakura, Ino, Choji, and Sasuke left.

"Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Naruto yelled making about thirty clones.

"Seven of you set up Plan P. Three of you prepare Plan S. Five of you set up Plan N. The rest of you track down Neji. Dispel yourselves when you find him," Naruto ordered his clones. The clones didn't get a chance to do anything as a brown blur ran through them, taking out ten of them at once.

"Shit! He's here!" Shikamaru yelled in horror as Neji suddenly froze and looked at the group. Everyone waited with bated breaths as Neji slowly walked closer towards them. That is until he suddenly smiled wide and bounced over to the squirrel cage.

"Ooh! SQUIRREL! Look how cute they are! Lee! Tenten! Gai-sensei! Look at the pretty squirrels!" Neji yelled looking behind him eagerly. His face morphed into one of confusion when he saw they weren't there.

"Where'd they go?" Neji asked looking dejected. Hinata decided to take this chance. She walked over to Neji slowly.

"Neji-nii-san. Your teammates wanted to give you a big surprise," Hinata said softly, hoping she wouldn't scare him off. Neji perked up a little bit and looked at her hopefully.

"Really?" Neji asked looking up at her with wide eyes.

"On one condition though. You have to eat all of this for me okay?" Hinata asked holding out the makeshift bowl to Neji. After a few seconds of tensed silence Neji slowly reached out and took the bowl. He gathered all the remaining paste into one glob and quickly shoved the glob into his mouth.

It took longer for the effects to show on Neji compared to Shikamaru but after a minute Neji fell to the ground, asleep. Everyone in the clearing let out sighs of relief, most slumping to the ground in exhaustion.

"That was extremely lucky," Kakashi said.

"Yes it was," the others in the clearing chanted together. It was that moment when the remaining members of Team 9 appeared. They were all panting heavily, including Lee and Gai. Everyone waited for them to regain their breaths as they stared at the sleeping Neji.

"I don't know what you did, but I think I speak on behalf of my entire team when I say THANK YOU! HE WAS A MENACE!" Tenten yelled joining those slumped on the ground.

"His youthfulness was too much. I like the other Neji," Gai said with Lee nodding along.

"He had the wrong coffee this morning," Kakashi explained. The genin watched as Gai's face turned an interesting shade of pale.

"That …. Explains a lot," Gai said before joining Neji in the world of unconsciousness.

 **Okay, here's the second reposted chapter for Naruto. There was no particular reason I chose Neji and Shikamaru except for they don't seem like the type to be very loud or hyper (obviously) so I picked them to traumatize people. Hope you enjoyed it!**

 **Please review! Reviews are nice and they make me want to write. Even though writing kills my brain, the reviews I get from everyone makes it worth it!**

 **I am taking requests! Just remember that!**


	2. I Had No Choice

**I Had No Choice**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Naruto**

 ***The one where Team 7 gets The Talk***

"Kakashi-sensei! How could you betray us like this!?" Sakura yelled in anger. She was crying and looking at Kakashi with ultimate betrayal. Her two teammates weren't much better. Naruto was curled into a ball, staring at the ground with silent tears trailing down his cheeks. Sasuke sat beside him rubbing the blonde's back to comfort him while glaring at Kakashi.

"I had no choice," Kakashi muttered brokenly.

"This is great, I should have brought popcorn," Kisame said with a chuckle.

"Indeed." Itachi said, smirking in amusement.

 **~~~That Morning~~~**

Kakashi stood in front of Tsunade's desk wondering why he was called there. Beside him were the other Jonin senseis of the Konoha 12, looking just as confused as he did.

"I have a mission for you. It is an A rank of the utmost importance," Tsunade said with absolute seriousness. Shizune and Iruka stood behind her looking equally grave.

"What is it Lady Tsunade?" Kurenai asked the question on everyone's mind.

"It is time your teams learned an important lesson," Tsunade said.

"Yosh! It must be a most youthful lesson!" Gai yelled striking his 'nice guy' pose.

"You could call it that," Iruka said sadly. After he passed the papers he was holding to Tsunade a cloud of depression surrounded him. Shizune looked at him sadly.

"What do we need to teach them?" Asuma asked. Tsunade looked at them in determination.

"It's time they had _The Talk_ ," Tsunade said earning several gasps of terror. And a sob from Iruka as he appeared in the Emo Corner.

"Lady Tsunade, please. Anything but that!" Kakashi begged.

"I'm afraid it can't be put off any longer Kakashi. It is time," Tsunade said. All the Jonin gulped in fear.

 **~~~A few hours later. With Team 7~~~**

"Okay team! We have a new mission!" Kakashi said with forced happiness. His team looked at him with mixed reactions. Naruto looked excited and was cheering happily while Sakura looked hopeful. Sasuke watched with his usual blank face.

"What's the mission Kakashi-sensei? Is it something cool like guarding a princess?" Naruto asked bouncing around his teacher. Kakashi almost smiled at the pure excitement that was Naruto.

"I'm afraid this mission is more important than protecting a princess Naruto," Kakashi said. Immediately he had the full attention of his team.

"What is the mission sensei?" Sakura asked with some nervousness.

"Before I can tell you I need you all to answer this question. What do you know about sex?" Kakashi asked seriously. Three heads tilted to the side in confusion.

"What's sex Kakashi-sensei? Is it good?" Naruto asked innocently. Kakashi gulped nervously. This wasn't going to end well.

"Well, it's hard to explain," Kakashi started before Sasuke spoke up.

"Isn't sex what gender you are?" he asked innocently. Kakashi gulped.

"Yeah that is one thing it could mean. But sex is more commonly referring to something else," Kakashi explained nervously.

"What is that sensei?" Sakura asked.

"Well, it's what men and women often do when they like each other."

"So it's like a date?" Naruto asked. Beside him Sakura was looking at Sasuke hopefully while the stoic Uchiha ignored her. Kakashi sighed. His genin were absolutely pure innocence. Innocence with a side of murderous intentions at times but that was overlooked.

Kakashi didn't get a chance to answer as two figures jumped into the clearing. They were both wearing a black cloak with red clouds. The group looked at them for a second.

"We are here for the jinchuriki," the blue guy who looked like a fish said.

"Go away Nii-san, and take your pet fish. We are busy right now," Sasuke said looking away from his brother and brother's partner. Kakashi sighed again. It looks like the wouldn't be able to avoid this discussion because of rogue ninja attacks. Shame really.

"What are you doing that is so important foolish little brother?" Itachi asked curiously. Beside him, Kisame had sat down to listen.

"We are learning about something called sex. Apparently it's not just your gender!" Naruto answered happily. Itachi and Kisame gasped in horror.

"How do you not know what sex is?" Kisame exclaimed in terror.

"We haven't heard about it until today," Sakura answered innocently. Kisame gave Itachi a look.

"I thought you told me they taught it in the academy," Kisame said glaring.

"Budget cuts," Kakashi chimed in helpfully. Itachi stared at his brother for a second.

"As the eldest remaining Uchiha it is my responsibility to teach my little brother something so important," Itachi said moving to stand by Kakashi.

"Thanks for the help," Kakashi said in relief. And so the two started their explanation. Kisame joining in at times.

 **~~~A couple hours later~~~**

"I'm sorry guys! Please forgive me!" Kakashi wailed. He was on his knees in front of his traumatized team. Itachi and Kisame had already left to bring back some lunch. Itachi believed it would help them drown their trauma.

"Why sensei?" Naruto asked finally looking up. Kakashi froze. Naruto looked like someone had just killed his puppy.

"I truly am sorry Naruto. But I really didn't have a choice. Please forgive me," Kakashi begged.

Nobody knew the changes these events would bring to the shinobi world. Because of their shared trauma Team 7 created an unbreakable bond. And when the sound four came to 'collect' Sasuke for Orochimaru, they were able to overcome their various opponents and defeat them. Keeping Sasuke in the leaf and changing the course of history as we know it.

 **Yes this is a reposting. The old one had some errors that I fixed in this one though. The next chapter will also be a reposted one but after that they will be new.**

 **This is centered around Naruto (mostly because I am too lazy to try and use a different character). Sorry if it's overdone but I hope my ideas will be new and fun to read!**

 **Please Review! Reviews are amazing. And I am taking request for any of my oneshot collection stories. The full list is posted on my bio.**


	3. The Mission No One Mentions

**The Mission No One Mentions**

 **Disclaimer ~ I do not own Naruto**

 ***The one with Naruto, a duck, and Justin Timberlake***

There was one mission Naruto would pretend never happened. As it stands, nobody else seemed to remember it happened. Sakura theorized that he was caught in a Genjutsu but Naruto wasn't so sure. It was just too traumatic to be fake. It all started like this.

 **~~~Line~~~**

Hokage-jiji just gave me a mission. He said it was an S-rank, but I don't understand how. Hokage-jiji wants me to bring Sasuke-teme a black duck. So after finding a pure black duck I had to track Sasuke-teme. When I found him I kinda wish I didn't. He was in a Dango shop with Anko, talking about how both of them hate dresses.

"Oh! Hey Naruto-kun! Do you want to join us? The Dango here is AMAZING!" Sasuke squealed. My eyes bugged out of my head. Sasuke was acting peppy! Numbly I handed him the duck.

"Oh! What a pretty du-wait a minute!" he glared at the duck, turning it around several times. The duck just ignored us.

"This ducks butt looks like my hair! I MUST MAKE MY HAIR BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTY AGAIN!" he yelled running out of the Dango shop with the duck tucked under one arm. I blinked several times before going to Hokage-jiji for the pay. The job may have been completely strange, but an S-rank pay is and S-rank pay. I walked into Jiji's office and was immediately handed the paycheck and shoved out the window by Iruka. Jeash the one time I go through the door and I get shoved out the window. Never using the door again.

"Thanks Naruto! The side reward is at your apartment!" he yelled as I fell. I flipped around so I could land on my feet. I blinked again. 'What is with everybody today?' I thought. I started heading to my apartment. Maybe everything would make sense there. First thing I noticed when I got there was that my prank traps were set off. They would set off if somebody went into my home unannounced. I grabbed a kunai and walked toward the door. Slowly I opened it and what I saw had my jaw literally on the floor. My apartment had been turned into a dance floor! And Sasuke (with his hair straightened) was dancing to Sexy Back from Justin Timberlake!

 **~~~Line~~~**

It took him hours to get over the mental trauma caused by that mission. Or dream/nightmare. After all, the next thing he remembers was Team 7 standing over him and trying to break him out of his resulting panic attack.

 **Yes it's a crack fic. No, I do not know why I wrote this. I found it in my folder from like five years ago. I thought "What the heck. Someone will find it amusing" so I decided to post it.**

 **Please review! Reviews are nice!**


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